Anticipation

Alright, so, I've messaged my boyfriend's dad to ask how he is doing. From what I've heard he's going through a pretty rough patch. I can totally understand that.
Maybe I have been too self-centered in wanting attention from him. Ofcourse I know it's not (going to be) easy, but aside from his problems I have been going through a rough period as well. I can totally accept it if my problems are talked about less, because I don't really ever want to talk about my dad, and I hate people showing sympathy. But sometimes it's good to talk about it in private and really tell someone what is on my mind.

Well, anyway, his parents are going to visit him tonight to see how he is doing, and I can call his dad tomorrow afternoon so I can get an update on how he is doing. Yes, he has only been there for 2 days by then, but still I think it is very important to know what is going on. Not from a stalker perspective or anything, I just want what is best for him, and I want to show support in any way I can.

Hearing from his dad that he is having a hard time, and I feel bad that this is the case, but on the other hand I feel relieved that he might not be angry with me, but was just stressing out. But I also feel guilty.. Guilty about getting angry with him the day he went to rehab. I'm sure I was kinda the last thing on his mind at that time (unfortunately), and me getting angry with him might not have helped him in any way whatsoever.

I just hope that when he gets out in about a month all will be good and his life can really start for real. I also can't wait to see him again, since it has been about 2 weeks since I last saw him. I have never been a month and a half without seeing someone I truly cared about, so it's going to be diffcult for both of us. Sure, I'm not the one in rehab, but since I just moved about a month ago I am very scarce on "friends" on this side of the country, so a kind voice and a warm embrace surely wouldn't come amiss. We just have to hang in there and I just hope everything will work out. I'm just very afraid to hear bad news tomorrow when I speak to his dad about him not wanting to talk to me or see me anymore in the future.
I feel like I might've messed up..

On my Own

Mijn liefste, als bij het ochtendgloren,
jij verdwijnt, wordt alles als tevoren.
dan kolkt weer die rivier, woest en verlaten.
de bomen kaal en allemaal weer vreemden in de straten.

Mijn liefste, 'k begin het nu te leren,
mijn bestaan vul ik met fantaseren.
jouw wereld draait door, 't zal jou niet deren.
dat ik daaraan geen deel meer heb terwijl ik als geen een,
je lief heb,
  al ben ik dan alleen

I have never been popular, I know that. I used to be overweight, and I was sure that was a reason for people to keep me at distance. Yet, even when I lost all the weight people still don't really get along with me.
I consider myself a nice person, and I try to get along with everybody, but for some reason people don't look beyond my smile and appearance. Sure, I got along great with my ex-coworkers, but I never did stuff with them outside of work, unless I explicitly asked them to. Meanwhile I look on Facebook and see all my colleagues hanging out with with each other, having fun.

I'm just sitting here thinking;"what is wrong with me?"

And this wasn't just with co-workers. I had the same thing happening in my last school. I got along great with everybody, but this never really extended outside of school.

You know how people always tend to text on their phone while you talk to them? Well, I always get very annoyed by that, but on the other hand I get kinda jelous. I get the feeling that everybody in my direct surrounding always have text messages waiting for them the next time they check out their phone. The only messages I ever get are either from my mom, or because people want something from me. Same goes to Facebook, most people get like 1 million likes for a status that says that they went shopping, but when I actually post something that goes somewhat beyond the standard "OMGZ neww tshurttt!" nobody really gives a fuck.

I feel like the guy that's just there most of the time, but people don't really pay any attention to. Nobody hates me, but people don't want to get too close to me either. I'm like a grey spot that's at the edge of one's eyesight. People notice it, but don't think too much of it.

Sometimes I just wonder; would people actually notice if I just disappeared?

I know my boyfriend wouldn't, I mean, if I don't message him out of my own initiative we can go on for a week without talking. My friends would not notice, they all live in the west, and ever since I moved to the south they have pretty much forgotten about me. I guess the only person who would actually notice would be my mom. She's the best person in the world, and she is standing strong despite all that's happened this year, and I love her more than anything in the entire world. But, shit, I'm 22, aren't people other than my mom supposed to care about me? I got the strong feeling this is not the case.

Sometimes the person who walks around with the biggest smile, feels like he is the loneliest person on earth.

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life
I've only been pretending
Without me
His world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known

I love him,

But only on my own
 

Oversized Pyjama pants are the shit

This year has been shit, for real.. Alright I had some fun moments, but when your dad commits suicide while you are on the way to finally finish your theatre school of three years it sucks. It took me longer to get my diploma, I had to change the subject of my soloperformance and worst of all; I have no dad anymore. And he was the most amazing dad ever.

Luckily I could find some comfort in my collegues and my boyfriend, who I'd met about three years ago at school, but didn't get into a relationship with until about 4 months ago. He is the sweetest. Sure, he comes with his own sets of problems, but if you're having fun together, who cares, right?

Well, one of his problems actually led me to write this blog.. I'm sure nobody will actually read it, but it's a good way to put all my thoughts on paper in some way or another. Back to the subject, my boyfriend is coping with an addiction to weed, sounds worse than it actually is, but shit, this is the Netherlands. Luckily he wanted to change and go to rehab. Guess what, today is the day he (supposedly) went to rehab.

I knew I wouldn't be able to speak to him for the time that he is spending at the rehab centre (which will be for about a month). The good guy that I am, I always tried to tell him how much I'd miss him and how much I love him, unfortunately I only got pretty generic messages back, or he would be totally downstruck and rude to me face to face. I just thought he was nervous about going to rehab, so I didn't think much of it.

But after the umpteenth time of telling him I was going to miss him (which was me messaging him yesterday since I couldn't go and visit him) he only replied by saying he went out 2 days before and he practically ended the message with "Best Regards". Wut? Seriously? Is this all?

So now me, frustrated as I was, decided to send a very generic message back to him, to which he never replied. I felt bad though, so I apologized.

No reply..

I sent him one last message this morning finally telling him I was already missing him, and I was going to miss him even more when time would pass by, I told him I loved him more than anything in the world, and he was doing good by going to rehab. I bet you can guess by now;

No reply.

Now I'm sitting here, alone, in my studio appartement, writing this first blog entry while wearing oversized pyjama pants and an oversized wifebeater with practically no one to talk to.. Yay, love my life.

Peace out