On my Own

Mijn liefste, als bij het ochtendgloren,
jij verdwijnt, wordt alles als tevoren.
dan kolkt weer die rivier, woest en verlaten.
de bomen kaal en allemaal weer vreemden in de straten.

Mijn liefste, 'k begin het nu te leren,
mijn bestaan vul ik met fantaseren.
jouw wereld draait door, 't zal jou niet deren.
dat ik daaraan geen deel meer heb terwijl ik als geen een,
je lief heb,
  al ben ik dan alleen

I have never been popular, I know that. I used to be overweight, and I was sure that was a reason for people to keep me at distance. Yet, even when I lost all the weight people still don't really get along with me.
I consider myself a nice person, and I try to get along with everybody, but for some reason people don't look beyond my smile and appearance. Sure, I got along great with my ex-coworkers, but I never did stuff with them outside of work, unless I explicitly asked them to. Meanwhile I look on Facebook and see all my colleagues hanging out with with each other, having fun.

I'm just sitting here thinking;"what is wrong with me?"

And this wasn't just with co-workers. I had the same thing happening in my last school. I got along great with everybody, but this never really extended outside of school.

You know how people always tend to text on their phone while you talk to them? Well, I always get very annoyed by that, but on the other hand I get kinda jelous. I get the feeling that everybody in my direct surrounding always have text messages waiting for them the next time they check out their phone. The only messages I ever get are either from my mom, or because people want something from me. Same goes to Facebook, most people get like 1 million likes for a status that says that they went shopping, but when I actually post something that goes somewhat beyond the standard "OMGZ neww tshurttt!" nobody really gives a fuck.

I feel like the guy that's just there most of the time, but people don't really pay any attention to. Nobody hates me, but people don't want to get too close to me either. I'm like a grey spot that's at the edge of one's eyesight. People notice it, but don't think too much of it.

Sometimes I just wonder; would people actually notice if I just disappeared?

I know my boyfriend wouldn't, I mean, if I don't message him out of my own initiative we can go on for a week without talking. My friends would not notice, they all live in the west, and ever since I moved to the south they have pretty much forgotten about me. I guess the only person who would actually notice would be my mom. She's the best person in the world, and she is standing strong despite all that's happened this year, and I love her more than anything in the entire world. But, shit, I'm 22, aren't people other than my mom supposed to care about me? I got the strong feeling this is not the case.

Sometimes the person who walks around with the biggest smile, feels like he is the loneliest person on earth.

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life
I've only been pretending
Without me
His world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known

I love him,

But only on my own